Thursday, 19 July 2012

A Question of Priorities

Is there something in your life, Cheryl, that you're maybe just a little too hard on yourself for? Is there a way you can find acceptance - and then, maybe even make it better?

I am a shrewish wife to myself. I find fault with everything I do. It does not matter if I briliantly solve a problem my "wife' will find some way of complaining about it.

Sometimes I think I am two or three seperate people. I am the perfectionist who always finds something to complain about. I am the lazy slob who only wants to play and read and sleep. Lastly I am the person who knows the right path and wants to follow it but somehow keeps getting sidetracked by the other two.

That is the kicker I know the right things to do but some how or other never get them done. I start something only to stop in a few days or if I am really, really determined a few months.

My priorities as they say are skewed. Either that or I have another reason which is subconcious for being an utter failure in everything I do or try to do. Of course it doesn't help when the things I'm doing are for other people. Strike that there are things I need to do to keep a roof over my head and food around to eat and I find myself not doing them.

I get side-tracked and it takes me awhile to get back to where I should be. Ok so who determines what is right and what should be? Well that would be me! Still I find myself concerned with societal norms as I see them. Theat and the power of certain social agencies to make my life unliveable within an urban setting. In a rural setting they would not have so much power because I would be able to look after myself. Grow a few vegetables, Trade picking for produce that sort of thing. Of course I could end up not being able to support myself that way but I think it unlikely at least for a few more years.

See with the enforced physical effort needed to survive I would lose the weight that is causing me so many problems which would make me stronger and more able to contnue to do the things I need to do to survive. It is a pretty circle. The issue is how to do that and maintain contact with my friends. Would I be able to live without electricity or the computer? That would be my first big test. That I know how to cook on a wood stove or over open flame helps. I even know how to get water from a well & chop wood. Although I do not know where I would find a place without those things (running water & electricity). Come to think of it if I put my mind to it I can even make a latrine or outhouse. All you really need is a hole in the ground & something to sit on.

I can not seem to find any way to make peace with myself except by putting myself into a situation where it is do or die. Since the dying part is a given anyway if I don't lose the weight. And if I don't do what Ontario Works wants me to do I am not going to have any money coming in either.

Rob certainly can't support me and I do not think he wants to any more either. I seem to have burned that bridge without realizing that I had. I have become to Rob what Rose is to Peter a charity case to help.I regret that but after three years it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that I need to move on. I am reluctant to give up on his support (mental as well as monetary).

Are my priorities skewed? I'd say YES, most definitly. Question is how do I fix it? Any suggestions.