I have called myself a bi-sexual for years because it was the only word I knew to describe what I am but it is not entirely correct.
My mother nicknamed me Charlie but I wonder if she knew what that name became to symbolize in my life.
The words I want to write do not follow any design I just need to get them out of my head.
My first crush if you can call them that surprisingly was an aunt who I wanted to emulate. The next that I remember was another mother that I met when my kids started daycare, After that there was Sue, Krista, Chris, Kathy, Niki and Vicki with various degrees of interest (from them) and action (by me) as well as several very short interactions with others.
The first few I had no idea of why I fantasized about kissing them, it wasn't until I was deep in my twenties that I began to understand what was going on and even then while I enjoyed viewing their bodies and taking pictures I only ever let one of them touch me only to realize that a woman's mouth was of less use to me than a man's penis.
I tried once more after that and it was then that I realized that it wasn't sex I wanted with these women but a friendship.
At that time my libido controlled my thoughts except it didn't, I only knew one way to show someone I cared and that was to have sex with them. It took me four decades to learn that lesson.
That sex isn't about love and caring but about satisfying the bodies needs with or without emotional connection and in all those years love & caring were what I was looking for.
To be blunt what I was looking for was a best friend, not a girlfriend but I could not separate the two in my mind.
So to all the women I've loved and the three I have hurt I am sorry, I did not understand what I wanted and I am sorry you got hurt because of it. To the others, thank you for your friendship.
